A Lesson on Trust

Pretentious voices of friendship and love
Reek as they circle and embrace with lies --
Encumbering one to believe, to trust.

They say, "It comes around again,"
They say. I lose interest in the bend
Of the feigned.

Temporarily lended opportunity --
Wasted for a risk, for instability.
Hearts play.

They say, "It comes around again,"
They say. Trust does not stall nor
Does it exploit.

Lesson exhibited, lesson learned.

Metaphorically Speaking.

It's easy to walk away when you simply shove investments and relationships into a small, undignified corner of your life. You forget they are there, like little pieces of dirty laundry that you never cared to wash and hang up to dry. Saving face is much different when forced to face your own self. Metaphorically speaking, of course. That corner contains every mistake, every regret, and every person you ever turned your back on. The dust collects and only stirs when more is added to the pile of emptied memories. So forgotten that you can hardly distinguish one book of regret from another. Maybe that is okay with you, as you throw another addition onto the pile blindly. Maybe you don't feel the added weight, the way your lungs protest when you breathe. Maybe one day you never will. Maybe that is just who you are. Maybe that is all you will be -- a book of regret stuffed in a corner that I, too, will never return to. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Whatever.

Screw you.
Screw her.
Screw it all.

Play your games as though the winnings are simply yours for the taking. Gamble it all. Gamble me. Let's see how long your luck will run. I guarantee it won't be long.

I wait. I fade.

I wait.

I fade.

Smiles drawn onto paper --

A false sense of security

With the heart stripped

Down.

I love, I live, I love.

I hurt, I die, I hurt.

A cycle; my cycle --

Come around again.

I fade.

I wait.

Love grips me tight.

I'm unable, too unstable

To leave you behind.

I find comfort here.

But is it real?

I'm invisible; I'm not here.

The irony, too much to bear.

I wait.

I fade.

Building with silent words,

Manifesting into emotion.

Left bare in the wind,

Where will I go?

Quiet understanding;

Hearts collide.

Will you be okay?

Beauty in pain --

I can still love.

This soul holds on.

Dissipate

taking a few steps back, i have been given a new perspective to this twisted manifestation of emotions. you are not who i love -- you are gone. all that is left is the shell of the one who was my completion. now you have evolved into my destruction.  

when these lies, these ties...

when they all dissipate,

you may have something...

but it won't be me.

you held it all in your hands -- the luxury of love, the honesty of us, and the hope for more.  shredded, it all falls to the floor to be swept up to nothing.  if everything was not enough, you shall never be satisfied.

when these lies, these ties...

when they all dissipate,

you may have something...

but it won't be me.

emptied of all i could ever give, numbness is all that is left. i cherish it when the twist of the knife is the only thing reminding me that i am alive. 

The Joke's On Me

empty this heart.

sadness so warm;

repeated pain;

numbing desire.

to be loved

would be so

devine.

loneliness,

my friend.

life is laughing.

depression speaks

with dirty words

lined with smirks

and cruel eyes,

poking and prodding

at a heart willing itself

to beat once

then die.

it curls, hugs,

squeezes.

too hard.

suffocating tears

without reason.

oh sadness

revolves on itself,

evolves into more.

it dissolves me.

stitches of release.

the warnings never...

do they ever?

communicate.

handshakes,

wistful smiles,

bursting heart.

the beginning

always has

a bitter end.

a song, quicksand.

always in between,

existing elsewhere;

sinking, searching.

maybe one day

this will succumb. 

just once

will i ever

get it right.

Visions Alive; Visions Departed

There are demons that pace restlessly within the mind that knock constantly, insistently to make their presence known. Turning my back only makes them stronger, growing and strengthening with every breath that fills my lungs and generates my heart -- they dance in the shadows outlined by flames like puppets in a cave. When will I know the secret to breaking them down? Will the day ever come when I am in control?

Smoky thoughts billow and slink along empty streets.
Creeping animations of crowds at dusk
Flicker then fade.
A moment -- be still!
Escape.
Virtue sneaks along alleyways and street corners
Street lights dim their faces.
A second sticks.
An aged doorway; a decaying room.
Innovation escapes to a vacant horizon.
Restlessness faces its mentor.
A moment -- be alive!
Eluded.
The minds of the occupied remain quite still.

Repetition in Words Does Not Create True Meaning

Buy some time -- let it rest upon your skin as the sun touches, warms, and dries out the seconds that race and waste.
Speak and repeat -- contradict your words because of the dissatisfaction that causes you to run and return with haste.

Am I that identifiable on your radar? I thought you caught and released me ages ago, but I find you still attempting to reach across the aisle. Not to rest your hand as only a friend can, but to push me over the ledge. Deceit is the only love you have ever had. No length of time and no amount of words that you choose to preach could ever convince me that you know what it really means to give your heart to another.

Give your speech -- the hypocritical statements leave little room for actual conversation. As I turn cheek, I hope you can see beyond your own body to the world slowly receding from you. Happiness does not come to those who are unable to feel anything but pity for themselves because pity is a selfish emotion disguised as care.

I used to hope that we'd be able to connect again, but it has become obvious that everything I believed us to be based upon in the first place was false. I do hope a true epiphany will come your way, but I highly doubt that as long as you fake your way through friendships, relationships, and speeches of love and devotion.

Moments Unfolding

you fill my heart with something new and redeeming, giving it a new breath of life just when its support was starting to fade. my mind cannot even begin to comprehend your presence, but my soul reaches for your hand to hold and to be mine. a sigh is heard, relinquished at the drop of a second, in the very first moment my eyes found yours. the ground beneath me could be felt dropping only to rise again, thundering in its own silence, beginning to build the wall that surrounds our world, the one only you and i could ever find. others come, pressing their hands upon the glass, looking in on a love folding in and fanning back out with colors never seen before, something so beautiful its blinding to the sight. not a sound is heard above the unspoken words floating between your heart and mine, our own little song forming itself above, adding on to the soundtrack of our lives. with words constantly failing me in attempts to explain, comfort can only be found in your embrace, where our souls kiss and remember the life we had shared before, in a time we can no longer see.

Old Prose

the choices that we made dictate what becomes of today. my heart goes out to you, and sometimes there's hope but we both seem to know that it has nowhere else to go. its anybody's guess as to where we'll be in the future, but for now i'll go on pretending and remembering that i should have never loved you.

not because i wish to hate you or that i want to forget you. not because we weren't good or that we weren't happy but because my life is now without you. when you try to cross that threshold again, boundaries are broken and the lock that held old memories becomes undone... leaving me a mess, a wreck, undone.

--

Scream it in my face, rip it all to shreds, stand in front of me and devote your words to your voice and let it finally be heard. I'm obviously missing the point, not hearing what you want to be said. Its days like these that I've come to dread. An answer and its question having a face off in the dead center of it all. A problem and its solution acting as polar opposites, pushing away any other possibilities that come to rest. What am I to you now? Do you think about how no one else can fill the impression I left upon your pillow....

You ask what he has that you don't; you proclaim you'd like to slice it all down so you could no longer see the truth; you use your words to hurt me because you feel your actions aren't enough.

I could play a mixed tape for you, leaving the words and music to swirl about your brain, embedding a feeling left within me into your heart. But with air so dense and distance expanding, you stand on one cliff with me on another. Some days that's how I feel we live -- in two separate worlds that occasionally orbit around the other.

--

Remember those days spent beneath the blazing sun, and how your skin changed colors due to your fun? The next day reminded you of our last day together, and its existance is literally burned into your body. Smiling seemed so simple and easy, laid across your face like it was always meant to. Let's create a place where it's okay to not let feelings fade, to never move forward, and to hold on to whatever made you happy that one time at that one place you'll always remember. Otherwise it becomes something you want to forget because its love you don't have, and forgetting is always harder to do than we'd like to admit.

Can we stop the world from living in the past? Can we ever forgive the mistakes we wouldn't have made if we knew what we know now? Could it ever just be me and you? Could we just throw out all the rules?

These days I continue to lift the weights and set them back down again. Your soul's measurements are heavier than you'd think, but I wouldn't have it any other way. A broken heart and a memory that refuses to fade make me stronger than you'd ever believe.

--

isolated seconds become caught in the web spun by all the tears that have fallen over time, and i stare through you at the sun beginning to sink into the sand. somewhere there is another beginning, but all i can fathom is this one ending.


-

bittersweet goodbyes to pass our lonely times with a shiver to the wind before it's all over. it seems so hard now when the wounds are fresh and the tears renewed. but in a few months time, or perhaps a bit longer, the wounds will be scars, a story and lesson to live by.

you'll probably cross my mind here and then though i'm not sure what it'll mean. i can leave you with your misery or try to take away your pain, perhaps take it with me. love is so forgiving, but you showed me something worth forgetting, so i'll walk away, betrothed and betrayed.

--

don't stare me down with your senseless glares and knowing stances, feeling as though you comprehend my every feeling down to my inner being. my book was written all on its own, with little help from you and your words so hold your input for someone much less stubborn and much more caring. we each have our own lives for the telling, so gather around like children in the library, and hear all about them. your permanence is close to mine but the home of the heart is quite far apart. continue to build your tower and i'll sleep in the road, waiting for you to once again run me over in your hurry for the future without a second thought for anyone's feelings. life may not wait for you, nor will time, but in your rush you forget that there are people, too, that live in your world of constant thought and worry. when you remember and it dawns on you like a kettle overheating, it may be a second too late and as you very well know, time doesn't wait.

--


capturing a moment through a frame, or two, a flash reaches out and embraces the membrane. a second passes and a new second occurs, leaving the last few seconds with lesser force. a countdown overhead hangs heavily upon impressionable shoulders, molding the skin and overlapping the bones. whether to look behind or forwards, to remember the past or the present, decisions are made with time wasting away. losing all chances to make the right move, the puzzle pieces melt into one rather than parts of a whole.

--

2007 Writing

pencil in the emotions you'd never think to feel.
your loneliness rolls over onto its wounded side
you picture the ships sinking in the back of your mind.

with every step taken, a face fades into the backdrop
living life in snapshots; throw the negatives into the fire
and never prove that there was an association there.

where memory lacks, regrets crawl into the focus
becoming a visible bed that is neglected to be made
the sun begins to rotate and throw you off balance.
in the end, we still have our shadows.

---

the moments we keep protected in our hands become the bombs we throw over the battlegrounds of words once we start to go wrong. it's easy to turn your back on someone you love when you realize that they haven't looked you in the eye since the first time they promised you their heart.

it's too hard to allow someone to see who you are because you're afraid that they'll discover your worst fear -- who you are is not who you appear to be, and pretending has become such a norm for you that when you're stripped down, you're still fake.


---
how does it feel to be your only friend?
what happens when it comes to an end?
these days we keep running forward,
but time grasps the backs of our hold.

fading lines of overthought patterns
repeating old mistakes and lessons
acceptance is lacking and forgiveness
never exists long enough to be happy.

keep smiling, you're all okay
keep grinning, today's your last day.
in death, the slates wipe clean.

--

Eh... revamp.

I haven't really used this blog whatsoever, but I guess I feel it is time to really start blogging again. Who knows how long this phase will last. For now, I'm probably just going to convert old stuffs to this and go from there.